More Marvel Self Serving Nonsense - But With Ants!
Film
As sure as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, I will begrudgingly make my pilgrimage to the theater to see whatever slop Marvel has plastered on the screen for the sake of writing. Today's journey brings me to the latest foray in horrid storytelling with Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania.
This movie was bad. But how bad, and what was so bad about it?
Coming out of the gate, the first act to maybe the first half of the 125 minute runtime felt like what I imagine being bludgeoned with a hammer feels like. Not only was this chunk of the film the filled to the brim with lazy dialogue punching my eardrums, but it felt as if Jeff Loveness had written a first draft and said "oh I'll come back and change this" only to never change it. Almost every word uttered by a character over this time period is bland, overtly obvious, and contributing little to nothing to anything. Getting sucked into the quantum realm and immediately exclaiming "where are we!?" along with meeting people and asking "there are quantum people in the quantum realm?" are just a couple examples of the absurdly uninspiring lines contributing to the blandness of the film.
There's also way too much left on the table in for establishing an emotional backbone. We have Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), who is an ex-con, getting his relatively estranged daughter Cassie (Kathryn Newton) out of jail, one of the rare moments they have in common especially with the blip erasing 5 years of their time together. Having this serve as a launching point for some emotional reconciliation of their father-daughter relationship is really not that high of a bar to set, but its completely brushed over until halfway through the film when they're both imprisoned by Kang (Jonathan Majors) and Lang has some witty remark about it being his fourth time in jail. Then of course it's never built on again and the whole dynamic between Scott and Cassie feels rushed yet at the same time nonexistent. Another shoehorned emotional element is between Hope (Evangeline Lilly) and Lang. Once again, you'd think this is a movie about plutonic friendship, then suddenly they beat the big bad guy, hooray! Hope embraces Scott and they share a lovely moment professing their love for one another. How warm and touching. Except it's not, because I couldn't be less invested in a couple unless it was Pete Davidson and whoever he's with these days.
Eh, actually I care about that way more. Because its an interesting story.
Of course there's also the issue of visual effects with Marvel movies these days. To avoid parroting every other film critic out there I'll just give a quick "yeah it really is that bad." In the first 5 minutes of the movie there's a scene where Hope puts her suit on and the subtle misalignment of the suit to her body is so jarring to look at, even if for a split second, it crosses your eyes and burns into your brain.
In the end Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is director Peyton Reed biting off way more than he can chew. The camera work was sloppy, my main case being the first big fight scene when MODOK (Corey Stoll) and Kang's troops start blasting the encampment Scott and Cassie are hiding at. Impossible to follow and migraine-inducing, the jarring focus and editing is flat out terrible and sets the tone for what kind of roller coaster you're in for. The tone is a complete mess as it tries to be a serious introduction into the future of the new Marvel phase, while attempting to be the fun and interesting Ant-Man movies of yesterday. Loveness' attempts to inject the film with, his prior writing experience, Rick and Morty-esque bites of humor fall flat and result in more groans than laughs, pushing the film further into tone purgatory.
If there is one good thing that came out of this film, its being blessed with more Jonathan Majors who is about to have not only an incredible year in 2023, but beyond with his recurring role of Kang the Conqueror. He was great in this movie, with the only chemistry between actors coming between him and Michelle Pfeiffer. And by chemistry, I mean sexual chemistry, because Kang and Janet most definitely had a quantum love thing going on for the 30 some years she was stranded in the quantum realm. Overall, his performance is wasted in another terrible rendition of the "new big bad guy" who for the second appearance in a row is not intimidating, and is bested by nonsense. Oh, but fret not! Jeff Loveness is in charge of writing Avengers: The Kang Dynasty so we're sure to have at least one good Kang villain since he'll be working with about a million of them. Right? RIGHT!?!?
For those who say don't patronize a terrible film because that just puts more money in their pocket, I'll retort with the fact that I went to the theater on a Tuesday which provides discounted tickets. So I only gave Marvel $6. Chumps!
Froth
Lord almighty what do you pair with a movie like this? Absinthe? Grain alcohol???
Nay. For inspiration in my pairing I took to my local farmers' market because it was a beautiful day and why not. Of course I found myself taking in some free samples at a cider stand and as a self-declared 'not cider person' I was rather surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Per usual after free samples you're asked if you'd like to purchase one of the bottles and my Midwestern I-want-to-avoid-any-and-all-conflict-please-don't-hate-me tendencies bubbled to the surface and I purchased one.
Thus, much like my magnetism to shitty Marvel films, I felt inclined to jump head first into the cider world knowing damn well I may not enjoy this.
Boy was I wrong! The bottle I had purchased was a Barrel-Aged Seattle Scrumpy, hilarious name mind you, which is a hybrid of apples, pears, cider and wine. Delivering some fun facts on the brewing company, Greenwood Cider Co, the man working the farmers market stand relayed to me that the origin of the word 'scrumpy' means 'stealing fruit.' Greenwood Cider makes this Scrumpy from the unwanted or ugly pears from farmers, thus the outrageously fun name much like my prior Kitten Mittens.
Brewed with a mix of apples and pears this concoction is then aged in Whiskey barrels to soak in some of that delightful oakey flavor, along with a hint of whiskey. Surprisingly delicious, I enjoyed every ounce of this beverage and implore other beer lovers to give something like this a whirl! If you have a predisposition to whiskey as well I believe this can be a solid foot in the door into the world of cider and maybe I'll explore my other options as well.
Oh and the 8.5% ABV in a 500mL bottle made me actually start laughing at some the crap in this movie, so drink responsibly. Next thing you know you might actually enjoy MODOK's redemption arc, a sure sign of inebriation.
