Ghosted Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Film
Imagine being told in 2021 that an Ana de Armas and Chris Evans led action rom-com was going to be made. Ok, now imagine that movie being about Armas being a spy and being romantically involved with Evans who finds out about Armas' occupation in a fun and exciting way. Ok ok, now imagine-- and bear with me here-- that this hypothetical movie is undeniably tragic and to put it lightly, is complete ass.
Well let me tell you that this is neither a fever dream nor is it hypothetical. It is very much real. Living, breathing and exhausting the mental fortitude of the general public.
The movie we all got is called Ghosted, and it is what I would equate to Kevin's chili from The Office. Looks and sounds good on paper but is executed in the worst possible fashion, making it possibly an inside joke with execs that are laughing to this day that they were given the power to construct such an abomination.
I'll break down the sliver of a plot here so you don't have to watch it. Ghosted is about a down on his luck hot guy named Cole (Evans) who is the neediest hot farmer you've ever seen. Cole works on his parents' farm while aspiring to write a book and meets Sadie (Armas), who is grieving over a lost co-worker, at a farmers market. Essentially we're led to believe sparks were flying in this meeting, leading to a hot and steamy 24-hour date or something but the funny thing is we watch the whole encounter and the romantic spark was as dead as any Sean Bean medieval role. Cole, then hoping for a second date, texts Sadie approximately 37 times leading the audience to believe he is in fact, a psychopath. After Sadie promptly ignores these texts Cole hops on a flight to London where he's able to track her location based on his tracker tagged inhaler being in her backpack. This of course leads to Cole being kidnapped by the classic bad guys and Sadie rescuing him, illuminating the fact that she's a spy and they must work together to get a secret weapon back from a mustachioed Adrien Brody.
Not only is this film attempting to capitalize on the Evans-Armas chemistry from Knives Out but also an Adrien Brody villain!? It is truly baffling how the entire film, from top to bottom, fumbled what should be a walk in the park kind of movie. First and foremost, the chemistry between Evans and Armas is nonexistent. This is the most unbelievable and least convincing on screen romance on the face of the planet. There is no scene in the entire unjustified two hour runtime that makes the audience think there's a shred of romantic identity for these two protagonists.
Furthermore, this issue is exacerbated by, what I'm led to believe, these two actors actually being on set for maybe 10% of the shots in the film. I'm basing this completely off of the on screen product, and I have no idea if this is true. But the number of one-shots mixed into a very generic two-shot combo of Evans and Armas, especially for their dialogue leads to an extremely choppy viewing experience. Not to mention, it makes me really think that these lines are delivered to either nobody, or some fill in and they then splice these shots together in post-prod. Majority of the time it looks like Evans and Armas are talking they're actually not even in the same zip code and patching lines together eliminates any and all chemistry for a romantic relationship. The dialogue is a big tell for this but also the lighting. This scene here is probably the singular proving point of these two actors likely never even seeing each other on set!
What the hell is this?? I know a screencap doesn't tell the whole story but believe me when I say this scene in the actual movie looked just as terrible. Why is Evans lit up in such an uneven way compared to Armas who is standing right next to him? Maybe it is because Evans looks like he's copy and pasted from a Microsoft Paint-esque post production editing tool.
How Can Ghosted Be This Bad?
Less than zero chemistry between your romantic leads is a big indicator of having a terrible romantic component to your romantic comedy. But what about the action aspect of the film? Seeing as this is a movie about a CIA spy having to babysit their romantic counterpart/stalker you could envision at least some fun action. Not to mention Armas being the lead action star in the film after her great supporting role in No Time To Die and having an upcoming John Wick spin-off called Ballerina, one would assume she'd have the runway in this film for some great set pieces.
Unfortunately, that's not the case.
Outside of the lack of chemistry between the two leads, the writing also drained any and all charisma from Armas' Sadie. Armas' character in No Time To Die, Paloma, was so fun and exciting because she was well written and Armas had the level of artistry, and artistic freedom, to elevate the role. What comes on screen in Ghosted is a shell of this type of role and such terrible writing that Armas can't really wrestle out any sort of excitement about an overtly bland character.
However, the biggest detractor of the action sequences is the moronic music selection that distracts, confuses and at best makes you get up and leave the room because you can't take anymore of it. Putting Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk" over the final shootout felt as misplaced as a pop song needle drop could possibly be. The film supposedly builds up to this boiling point only for you to think about putting your pinky fingers to the moon while watching Evans and Armas flop about. But that's not even the worst needle-drop! By far the biggest blunder of musical selection being the antithesis of the film's attempted tone is blasting "My Sharona" as Cole and Sadie drive a bus away from the bad guys in Pakistan. I wasn't taking the movie seriously up until this point, so this moment really put me over the edge for believing it to be the worst movie of 2023 thus far.
What's more baffling about how this tower of star power, including five or so big cameos, is completely wasted is that it's directed by Dexter Fletcher. Fletcher was the director of the Taron Egerton led Elton John biopic musical Rocketman, one of my favorite films of 2019. Therefore, you can understand my befuddlement when I see how ridiculously terrible Ghosted is as Fletcher's Rocketman follow-up!
Moreover, this plot and style of film is not exactly a novel concept. Movies have done quite well with this exact idea of "oh my gosh you're a spy!" Whether it's the sexual chemistry of Mr. and Mrs. Smith or the fun excitement of Knight and Day it can't really be that difficult to get at least a base hit when you've got quality actors that people want to see on screen together.
Unfortunately, Ghosted is one of the worst strikeouts I've seen in a while.
Froth
At one point while watching this "movie" I was praying that it would just go away. I was flipping between experiencing physical pain and mental exhaustion, all the while I was debating turning my tv off. Therefore it only made sense, knowing what kind of slop I was about to witness, to drink a beer designed for making things disappear.
No this is not some veiled joke about it being 20% ABV and I don't remember the movie, because I do remember it. Unfortunately, I remember it.
Instead I'm referring to Ghostfish Brewing's Vanishing Point Pale Ale! When watching a movie you can't wait to have vanish beyond the horizon you may as well theme your beer around it. Not to mention, Ghostfish Brewing specializes in gluten-free beers, and if you can make gluten disappear then surely you can drinking their beer can make the pain from this movie go away.
The Vanishing Point Pale Ale is an American Pale Ale that is light, medium gold in color, and with a slight citrus aroma. While I enjoyed the beer it didn't have the flavor profile I was expecting nor really wanting at the time. I appreciate the hint of caramel and a modest bitterness to sit beside the citrus flavors but I wasn't completely sold on it.
I do however, think Ghostfish has an awesome brand and I would rather drink their entire menu ten times over than think about watching Ghosted ever again.
